Observations from the State of the Union Address That Wasn’t Really a State of the Union Address

Tonight Obama addresses Congress about the state of the union, even though it isn't a formal State of the Union speech. If you're looking for any sort of intelligent commentary on hotbutton political issues, you won't find it here. Instead, you'll be treated to an ongoing smattering of observations rivaling the intellect of a sixth-grader. Enjoy!

9:04 And we're off! I'm going with CNN, my network of choice over the other 98 that are broadcasting it tonight. I have no logical rationale for why I choose this channel when the same exact thing is shown on every other channel at the moment. Someone pull me in for a focus group!

9:05 Is Nancy Pelosi wearing an old couch slipcover?

9:10 I almost expecting Obama to come out to a more elaborate introduction than that. I was hoping for something similar to when the Chicago Bulls used to come out to Orion. That would have been totally sweet. “And at President! 6’1” from Harvard Law!”

9:15 Let’s see how long this standing ovation lasts...

9:16 ...still going…alternating between awkward and endearing…

9:17 Ok there we go. Ah crap, another standing ovation for Michelle Obama.

9:17 “…if you haven’t been affected by this recession…” (and which guy is that exactly?)

9:21 Joe Biden totally looks like this thing.

9:25 Shot of John McCain with a grin likely reminiscent of his days during his extended stay at the Hanoi Hilton.

9:28 While Obama is discussing options for freeing up the credit market, they cut to a shot of Tim Geithner who’s probably thinking something along the lines of, “ohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuck.”

9:39 Obama is listing other countries that have better adopted efficient energy. This is pissing me off and making me want to try to build a solar panel based on crap laying around my living room.

9:40 Failed clap! That’s gotta be embarrassing.

9:43 On the topic of child healthcare coverage, Nancy Pelosi nearly leaps out of her seat with applause. The Republican party decidedly sits down on this one. Hey, I hate kids too but c’mon.

9:47 Incentives for teachers based on student performance – looks like my roommate is screwed. I’ve seen some student assignments he’s had to grade. Yikes.

9:49 I love the volunteer-in-the-community-and-get-free-college idea. Where the hell was that 9 years ago? Clinton. You hack.

9:57 Obama mentions ending the war in Iraq. Cut to McCain who looks like he shit himself minutes earlier and is trying to casually see if anyone has noticed.

10:00 “The United States does not torture.” Somewhere, Dick Cheney sheds a tear, then waterboards a kitten.

10:06 Is there an easier room to get a standing ovation in than Congress at a SOTU address? Hell, even I could kill in that room.

10:08 That about wraps it up, clocking in around the 0:52 minute mark by Wolf Blitzer's count.

10:11 Seeing Obama getting mobbed and doing rounds after the speech actually reminds me of Jordan after a game doing rounds with reporters. Why don’t the Chicago Bulls sell Obama ‘09 jerseys? Those would sell like hotcakes.

10:17 It's always weird seeing politicians hounding the president for his autograph. It's your boss. Relax.

10:24 Here’s Bobby Jindal’s response. I can’t wait to see the Republican party schlepping this guy around for the next 4 years. He’s brown! Vote Jindal in 2012!

10:24 Whoa! Is that really this guy's voice?? This dude sounds like a narrator at a bad ride at Disneyland. And don't wish me a Happy Mardi Gras. Do you see any topless women around me? I sure as hell don't. Especially with that voice that sounds you're talking to a five year old. Asshat.