Hipster Bingo

Poor Bastard Falls Down

via Boston.com

Great sequence of photos from Boston.com photographer David Ryan.

Luck Runs Out for Lucky

Lucky is no more! Sources report that the Boston Celtics and Damon Blust (formerly "Lucky") have split up. They say that he apparently missed a few team appearances or something. If you ask me, I think someone in the Celtics organization is an avid follower of 3DWaB, read my post about how Lucky is not lucky, and then came to the realization that he really does suck at life.

This is the best news I've heard all day.


- Boston.com

Lost Conspiracy Theory Thursday!

Ok, so I'm a week late with this. We're kicking off a new weekly feature here on the blog, recapping the previous night's episode. If you want to jump on and share your own theories, rock out. If you haven't seen the most recent episode yet, just skip this altogether cause there will be spoilers galore.

There have been a substantial amount "no-effin'-way" moments this season and we're already two episodes in.

Episodes 1 & 2: Because You Left / The Lie

• The episode starts with a flashback to the 70's with Dr. Chang filming one of those creepy orientation reels when he is interrupted by an incident at the construction site of the Orchid Station. The workers have discovered the unlimited energy source capable of bending time and space. He then bumps into Daniel Faraday. Whoa. This is the spot where Ben will later turn the mammoth cog to “move the island”.

• Once Ben moves the island, the inhabitants begin to erratically move through time, likened to a skipping record. Locke is shot in the leg by Ethan, then transported and patched up by Richard Alpert who gives him a compass in case they cross paths again. Richard tells Locke that he needs to bring everyone back to the island, and Locke himself will die in the process.

• At one point through time travel, the hatch is intact. Faraday knocks on the hatch (Swan Station) to meet Desmond who hasn’t yet encountered any 815 survivors. Desmond is told to find Faraday’s mother if Desmond and the 815 crew are able to get off the island. In a flash-forward, Desmond wakes up with the new-found memory.

• In 2007, it sounds like Kate is busted and people (read: Widmore) are on to her whole baby-stealing plan. I’m telling you, that kid will turn out to be evil. Mark my words.

• Ben and Jack begin to plan the reunion of the crew. Sayid breaks Hurley out of the nuthouse, taking a tranq-dart in the process. Hurley sees Ben, gets freaked out then gets arrested.

• Who’s this new guy Neil? Sawyer keeps calling him Frogurt. Christ, he’s annoying. About 3 minutes into his on-camera debut, Frogurt takes a flaming arrow to the chest. Sweet. Ben visits an older woman at a church who tells him he has only 70 hours to return with the Oceanic Six, and if that doesn’t happen, then God help them all. LOST.

Episode 3: Jughead

• Penny has a baby. Desmond goes to Oxford to find Faraday’s mother. He finds a janitor who tells him that Faraday vegetable-ized some lady with his wacky experiments. When Desmond visits her, he discovers Widmore has been financially backing Faraday’s research. Faraday’s mother is in Los Angeles…the weird lady at the end of the last episode perhaps?

• Back on the island, and in 1954, Locke meets up with the Others and turns himself in to meet Richard Halpert to hopefully reconnect. In doing so, he learns that one of the young soldiers is Charles Widmore. WHAT!?

• Locke is unable to convince Richard that he is the boss on the island so tells him to visit Locke in 1956. This explains why last season, Alpert was in the hospital when Locke was born.

• Meanwhile Faraday is tasked with disarming an H-bomb and he is led away to do so by a young piece of jailbait. I mean, she’s probably in her 20’s but she looks about 15. Anyway Sawyer and Juliet show up, disarm the chick and then jump time. Charlotte then collapses with a bloody nose, Faraday freaks out. LOST.

Traffic Signs Warn of Zombies, Hilarity Ensues

via KXAN.com

AUSTIN (KXAN) - Austin drivers making their morning commute were in for a surprise when two road signs on a busy stretch of road were taken over by hackers. The signs near the intersection of Lamar and Martin Luther King boulevards usually warn drivers about upcoming construction, but Monday morning they warned of "zombies ahead."

It's good to know we already have amber alerts in place to track down missing children. But what about a zombie attack? Somebody include this in Obama's latest stimulus package.

Too Many Modifications

Am I missing something? How can anybody think this new Texas Rangers two-tone helmet looks good? I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall during this conversation. Who do they think they are? This is baseball, America's favorite pastime, not a Kanye West concert with flashing lights and glow in the dark props everywhere. It's supposed to be about tradition and cracker jacks and peanuts - not who can have the flashiest (ugliest) looking helmet. Imagine what it will look like when they have the bases loaded - a bunch of shmucks running around in wannabe kanyeezy helmets. The fans won't know whether they're watching a baseball game or a parade of colors.

What's next? Maybe they change the color of the stitching on the baseballs to match with the current U.S. government's national threat level? Or better yet, maybe they don't turn the lights on for a night game and play with glow in the dark bats and balls? That would be cool.


-ESPN, Page 2

Things That Shouldn't Happen...

1.) A car crashing into the roof of a church.

People Who Should NOT Be Fired: Micah Grimes

Micah Grimes, the coach of the girls' basketball team that owned an opponent 100-0 recently, was fired because of how he handled the blowout victory. In an open letter responding to his coaching performance, Grimes writes...

"We started the game off with a full-court press. After 3 minutes into play, we had already reached a 25-0 lead. Like any rational thinking coach would do, I immediately stopped the full-court press, dropped into a 2-3 zone defense, and started subbing in my 3 bench players. This strategy continued for the rest of the game and allowed the Dallas Academy players to get the ball up the court for a chance to score. The second half started with a score of 59-0. Seeing that we would win by too wide of a margin, running down the clock was the only logical course of action left. Contrary to the articles, there were only a total of four 3 point baskets made; three is the first quarter, and only 1 in the 3rd quarter. I continued to sub in bench players, play zone defense, and run the clock for the rest of the game."

This sounds like a good coach who unfortunately played a school that doesn't deserve to have a team. Fire that coach. 100-0? You could have me and my buddies play the Celtics and I guarantee we don't lose that bad.

Oh, and icing on the cake. The girls who LOST - featured on every major news network and are now national heroes.

Britney's Back

Britney Spears vs. the Parents Television Council

Britney Spears has “kicked up a firestorm” over the title of her new single “If U Seek Amy,” said David Hinkley in the New York Daily News, “which when spoken rapidly spells out a crude sexual phrase.” Since the song has been getting major radio airplay, watchdog group the Parents Television Council (PTC) has “threatened to file indecency complaints” with the FCC. The PTC has a point: “While popular music has a long history of double entendre, this is more like a single entendre.”

This one took me a minute to figure out, but "If U Seek Amy" = F U C K me.

Damn Britney... you are back.

Lucky.

Things I consider "lucky:"

Not hitting a lot of traffic on the way home. Hitting a 5 on a 16. Finding money in any denomination greater than $1 on the street. Realizing you weren't charged for half of your drinks at a bar. Getting pulled over for doing 91 in a 55 and not getting a speeding ticket.

Things I don't consider "lucky:"


Things that will make me never use the term "lucky" the same way ever again:

Chance
by titounetsan

Florida Marlins - Sexism in Action

In 2008, the Florida Marlins hit it out of the ball park with the Marlins Manatees, Major League Baseball's first ever all-male dance/energy squad. Now, the Marlins are bringing the Manatees back for the 2009 season, and want the team's biggest fans to audition for the squad.

The Marlins are looking for bellies with the biggest jiggle, big feet with the best dance moves and enthusiasm that will rock Marlins fans out of their seats.

The Marlins Manatees will perform at Friday and Saturday Marlins' home games throughout the 2009 season. Manatee hopefuls do not need prior dance experience, just the willingness to learn routines and have a great time dancing and cheering in front of thousands of fans.

Men selected for the Manatees won't be paid. They'll get tickets to games they perform at, and the honor of dancing in front of the crowd.

Sexism at its worst. I bet the female dancers make a decent salary, and just because they're men, the Manatees are treated unequally. Florida Marlins, I hope you take a cue from the historic events surrounding our new President. All dancers are created equal despite their capacity to inhale hot dogs and chug beers, and accordingly, all deserve equal pay.

Get out my face.

Is this really a little kid or just another Andy Milonakis?

Damn You Barack Obama You Pretty Motherf**ker

Keys to a Healthy & Happy Relationship

In this clip below, the Love Doctor talks about the keys to a successful marriage. As an example, who better than the 44th President of the United States, Barack Obama and his wife Michelle.

The whole clip is very insightful, but I think the biggest reason for their healthy and happy relationship comes up about 1:45 into the clip.



I wonder what will be going on at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue tonight...

Cold As Balls

It dropped to a record-setting 47 below zero in Pollock, S.D. today, and more cold weather was forecast for Friday, when northern Maine was expected to see frosty temperatures between 30 below and 40 below zero.

It is also balls cold in Boston. Time to break out the Long Bens.

Yet Another Day I've Failed to Become Rich

LifeHacker If you ended up with a shoe box full of gift cards to stores you have no use for, you're in luck—the internet is here to help.

A new web site called Giftah lets you buy, sell, or trade gift cards to various North American retailers. If you're a buyer, you can find incredible deals on gift cards discounted anywhere from a few bucks to 50% of their actual balance. If you're holding onto a gift card that you're sure never to use before it expires, you can create an auction on Giftah to sell that gift card at a discount so that you can still at least get some cash out of the deal.

I've had this idea for two years now and finally someone came along and turned it into reality. For those keeping score at home, we're up to 9,717 days that I've failed to become an overnight millionaire. Sonofabitch.

Superman.

if you didn't see the postgame after the celtics' overtime win over the raptors the other night, here is what you missed...

To follow up on my "rick-rolling is dead post"

Classic xkcd. Stolen from his site

Life is short. Have an affair.

Are you tired of your lifelong vow of monogamy? You're not alone. According to AshleyMadison.com (the world's premier discreet dating service), there are over 3,000,000 like-minded individuals looking to cheat.

I love the internet; it's the only place where you'll find a money back guarantee that you can bang someone you're not married to. For all of our married readers, cheat here.

Great Audi Commercial

Audi gets it done with this awesomely recyclable commercial. This is great timing because it immediately follows the holidays when every goddamn luxury car commercial features a wife buying her husband a new car for Christmas.

I've talked to married guys. That stuff never happens.

Best Someecard Yet

If I ever had this sent to me by a girl, I'd marry her in a heartbeat.

(if you're not familiar with some ecards, def check it out here)

First (grade) Gear

A 6-year-old Virginia boy who missed his bus tried to drive to school in his family's sedan -- and crashed. The boy, whose name wasn't released, missed the bus, took the keys to his family's 2005 Ford Taurus and drove nearly six miles toward school while his mother was asleep, police said.

He made at least two 90-degree turns, passed several cars and ran off the rural two-lane road several times before hitting an embankment and utility pole about a mile and a half from school. The boy told police he learned to drive playing Grand Theft Auto and Monster Truck Jam video games.

"He was very intent on getting to school," said Northumberland County Sheriff Chuck Wilkins. "When he got out of the car, he started walking to school. He did not want to miss breakfast and PE."

The boy suffered only minor injuries and authorities drove him to school after he was evaluated at a local hospital for a bump on his head. He arrived shortly after lunch, Sgt. Tom Cunningham said.

Best part of this story - he learned to drive by playing Grand Theft Auto - so based on his seemingly strong command at operating a car, we must assume he's also pretty good at pimping, street fighting, assassinations and gang wars.

You gotta think this kid owns all the other first graders at all activities in P.E.

The Most American Thing Ever

-- BAGHDAD -- American troops in Iraq will be allowed to drink a few beers without fear of court-martial for this year's Super Bowl, an exception to a strict military ban on drinking alcohol in combat zones.

In what is sure to be a major morale boost, the top U.S. commander in Iraq Gen. Raymond Odierno issued a waiver Wednesday paving the way for troops to participate in the popular American football tradition.

Super Bowl XLIII will kick off on Feb. 1 in Tampa, Fla., but it will be 2 a.m. in Baghdad when the live broadcast starts in Iraq. Troops will gather in dining halls on military bases nationwide to watch the game.

A copy of the waiver said the consumption of alcoholic beverages will be limited to Feb. 1-2 and service members can only have two, 12-ounce beers each.

The Dudes will be dedicating their first "Teddies" to the troops this year. May their lack of consistent, excessive drinking lead to one hell of a two beer buzz.

(road reporting from The Other Matt)

My Sports Guy Mailbag Entry - Worst Strip Clubs Ever.

It may be macabre, but I have an odd fascination with bad strip clubs. If it's worth telling a good story, it's worth visiting at least once. And then setting fire to your clothes immediately after. One that comes immediately to mind is the Cafe Risque in North Carolina that hosted me and two of my friends during a long drive down to Florida for Spring Break. We were first taken aback by the sign outside that read "FREE SHOWERS FOR TRUCKERS". Ten minutes later my buddies and I are looking down at our $8 coffees trying to avoid eye contact with a stripper who could have very likely been underage. Another great establishment is Diva's in Bangor, Maine. Yes, you read that correctly, Bangor, Maine. When you walk in it looks like a converted crack den and I swear our stripper had more track marks than teeth. Good times. Anyway, in all of your travels, what is the worst gentleman's establishment you've ever visited? I'll book plane tickets immediately following your next mailbag.

Above: Cafe Risque may have once been an International House of Pancakes.

Really?

Watch this...



Then, watch this...



I'm sorry, but can ESPN honestly expect people to take Lil' Wayne seriously in this role? I mean this is the same guy who is addicted to cough syrup, refuses to go on stage at his own concerts, and is probably high out of his mind 23 hours of every day. He'll refuse to perform for thousands of people screaming his name, but he's ok with going onto the set of First Take and chatting it up with Skip Bayless and Dana Jacobson? That's such an odd grouping that I even felt uncomfortable watching that clip. Everything is just so out of place, it's just not working for me.

People Who Should Be Fired: Cliff Stearns

Stearns, a Republican from Ocala, wrote to U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on Tuesday asking her to move votes scheduled for Thursday evening and Friday so House members from Florida and Oklahoma can go to the Bowl Championship Series national title game.

Stearns wrote, “As you may be aware, on Thursday January 8, the University of Florida and the University of Oklahoma will play for the national football championship. Members of the Florida and Oklahoma delegations have expressed interest in attending the game as the congressional schedule allows. However, votes are currently scheduled to continue into Thursday night and Friday afternoon. We ask that you move these votes to either Wednesday and/or Thursday morning to allow Members to attend this historic game.”

Seriously? I mean, I'm a pretty big sports fan and I've even skipped work for a celebratory parade or two in my day. But you're a congressman in the US House of Representatives and during one of the worst economic periods in our country's history, you want two days off so you can watch a college football game?? Thankfully, the House Speaker denied his request. I mean, this is like asking your mom to skip two days of high school during finals week. Of course the answer is no. Cliff Stearns should be fired for even asking.

Hang Loose...Literally

You know how you sometimes get asked "what's the most embarassing thing that ever happened to you?" Well, I think this guy now has a new answer...

My Sports Guy Mailbag Entry - The Wire Withdrawals

Dear Bill,

My withdrawals from The Wire are becoming about as unbearable as Bubbles' worst days when he was sleeping in garages and selling white t's just to feed his addiction. Just the other day I saw a bow tie in a store and instantly thought of the epic standoff between Brother Mouzone and Omar. This is not good.

What are you doing to fill the gaping void left from The Wire? Are there any new shows you recommend?

Please help.

For those of you who just read this, and have no idea what I'm talking about - I'm sorry. If you are not familiar with or have not seen every episode of HBO's The Wire, then you are truly missing out on greatness. I don't hesitate for one second in saying that The Wire was the best show ever on television. And yes, that even includes The Sopranos - and I'm as Italian as they come.

So, if for whatever reason you're still not convinced enough to check out the best TV show ever, then just wait until you see the above entry in the Sports Guy's Mailbag. Then maybe you'll learn.

My Sports Guy Mailbag Entry - An Arcade Game for the Females

Dear Sports Guy,

To build on your "A Fantasy League for the Females" article from a while back, I've come up with the perfect arcade game for chicks. I was struggling to find a way to explain the phenomena of Big Buck Hunter to a certain lady in my life and came up with the following analogy (which I now really want to create): Celebrity Photo Hunter.

Take the premise of Big Buck Hunter, but replace the shotgun with an oversized camera, and the bucks with gossip-mag celebrities.

Basic rules: You have to take three celeb photos per round (be careful for look-alikes and celebs wearing disguises). Your round ends if you take photos of a non-celebrity. Bonuses include taking a risk and zooming in on such cover shots as catching some camel toe, a pregnancy bump or anything involving a hooker. Imagine the Sports Gal at the neighborhood sports bar throwing high fives cause she just landed a crotch shot of Lindsay Lohan (again). I guarantee that girls will start dragging guys to bars on the weekend to play this, and more importantly, I'll stop getting crap everytime I play a leisurely round of BBH.

Fake Doctor's Notes

I don't think anything I say can really add to their existing pitch. The best or worst $14.97 ever spent?



Dear Friend -

Lets face the facts - we're a part of an overworked culture. Americans spend more time at our "work" and "jobs" than ever before. Family relations, domestic abuse, depression and stress of all forms are on the rise. Our lack of health is bringing us to hospitals.

Our "jobs" and schools are often asking for doctors notes to excuse our absences. Is this fair? As humans, shouldn't we have the right to take any day off we choose -- simply to sustain our well-being, our mental health.. and our sanity?

Likely you've come across this site because you're overworked, overstressed, simply a break, or are genuinely sick but have no health insurance. Whatever your reasons, we're here for you. We've created the highest quality fake doctor notes / doctor slips / doctor forms (whatever you want to call them) on the internet - guaranteed.

Our excuse notes are so good, so legit.. that, in fact, if you find a copy or sample of a Dr. note that looks more authentic than ours, and we'll give you your money back!... (In fact, we'll even consider PAYING you to view one that looks more authentic!).

So - Instantly download your doctors excuses today!
You're excused! You'll be 'missing work' in no time.

Yes Pecan

I love Ben and Jerry's. So clever, so witty, so delicious. If only I wasn't severely lactose intolerant. If you can enjoy the dairy - stop by for a scoop.

The company is partnering with Common Cause, with proceeds associated to the sale of the flavor going to the nonprofit's education fund.

Elephant + Dog = Starsky and Hooch?

Watch CBS Videos Online

Prepare to have your heartstrings plucked like a mandolin.

Sir Benjamin Thompson, Count Rumford got ripped off

I went on wikipedia today to see who the infamous "john" of long johns was. I wanted to properly recognize the man who is responsible for my goods staying warm and toasty on this frigid Boston day.

I was shocked to learn that long underwear was actually created by Sir Benjamin Thompson of Woburn. On your behalf Ben, I'd like to begin a campaign to rename these wonderful garments, "Long Bens."

And for the record, Sir Benjamin is now my favorite 19th century anglo-american physicist.

3DWaB Competition

This post officially initiates the first blog competition. Goal: Be the first dude to get into a Bill Simmons mailbag. Let the witty sports-related emails to the Sports Guy commence.