LOST Conspiracy Theory Thursday!

You know the drill by now, don't read if you haven't seen. After a great job on the recap last week I've invited My Buddy Joe to fill us in on the recaps from now on.


Ok, GREAT episode this week. I’m an unabashed John Locke fan, mostly because he is by far the most complex character on the show. Also, he inherited the mantle of Joe’s Favorite Character because the bastard producers killed off Mr. Eko.

This week’s episode, “The Life and Death of Jeremy Benthem”, opens with Dead Man Walking from last week (real name Cesar) pulling a Danny Ocean in one of the Dharma stations, where he finds a map of the island and what appeared to be Captain Jack Sparrow’s pistol. New Ana-Lucia (real name I Forgot to Write it Down) walks in without knocking and catches Cesar masturb…. I mean putting the gun in his bag. They go back outside, where the plane has crashed intact on the beach. Who was Lapidus’s co-pilot, Sully Sullenberger? Nice landing. The scuttlebutt around the Coachies camp is that there is an interloper who was not on the plane. Is it an Other? No, it’s John Locke, who apparently is the Messiah of the island (which I guess answers part of my question from last week, “Who is the son?”). Sweet resurrection JL. Better check yourself for puncture wounds. (This episode was supposed to air last week, with the episode “316” airing this week. Ben’s story about Thomas the Apostle would have made better sense in that context, I think. And why couldn’t the producers have named him John Calvin so his initials would be JC?)

Let’s get your backstory shoes on…. Locke clicks the Orchid wheel in place and is magically whisked away to… Tunisia. (“Hi, we’re in… Tunisia.) JL lies on the desert floor with his shattered tibia for at least 12 hours until a bunch of Jawas find him and throw JL in the back of their Datsun. JL is brought to the same hack doctor who “fixed” my back and has his shin bone rammed back into his leg. Just before he passed out from excruciating pain, JL sees Matthew Abbadon in the shadows. When JL wakes, Charles F-ing Widmore is waiting at his bedside. JL, of course, does not recognize Widmore, who seems astonished that Locke looks exactly like he did 50 years ago. Charlie, you know what the island can do. Why is this news to you? Widmore basically explains the situation, telling Locke he as to bring them all back, Ben is a goon, there’s a war coming, etc etc. Then he drops this bomb on us – he was the leader of The Others (called it!! Crazy Theory #3 after the episode “Jughead”!!) and Ben stole the island from him. Cry me a river dude, you’ve got more money than God and your granddaughter used to be Mischa Barton. Widmore sends JL to round up the usual suspects, and loans the services of Matthew Abbadon (who, if he was 7’6”, would bear a striking resemblance to Manute Bol). Irony of ironies, Abbadon pulls out a wheelchair for him. JL stares down Abbadon, as if he’s trying to remember…

First stop on the John Locke Reunion Tour is Sayid’s old stomping grounds… Santo Domingo? How many languages does this guy know? Sayid tells JL to blow it out his ass and Locke moves on to… NYC! Wait a minute, Walt? What a random cameo. Next stop, Hurley’s Funny Farm, where Hurley exposes Abbadon. Abbadon then confirms that he is, in fact, Ellis Redding, and is a man who knows how to get things. A quick jaunt down PCH to LA, where Kate spews some philosophical mumbo-jumbo at JL. Pretty sassy for a baby-stealing ex-con, Kate. Finally, Locke convinces Abbadon to bring him to his old girlfriend, Peg Bundy, who unfortunately died of some horrible thing that I forgot because its not really that important. Going back to the towncar, Abbadon gets sniped, so Locke takes off and gets t-boned at the first red light he drives through by some asshole who was probably on his cell phone. JL, I know you haven’t been behind the wheel in a long, long time, but that was some of the worst getaway driving I’ve ever seen.

Locke wakes in a hospital, this time with Jack at his bedside! They quickly fall into their old routine – “Who’s on first?” “Yes.” No, seriously, they have their usual repartee about science vs faith and karma vs coincidence. JL tells Jack that “your father says hello”, at which point Jack flips out, grows a horrible beard, drinks heavily, beats his wife, and kicks his dog. Locke is discharged from the hospital and goes back to his REALLY shitty hotel, where he writes the famous suicide note and starts rigging up a noose. JL climbs up on the table, writes “Locke was here” on the ceiling, and is almost about to do it… when Ben breaks down his door and talks him out of it. Ben spends the next 10 minutes convincing Locke that Widmore is a goon, there’s a war coming, etc etc. JL is talked off the ledge, only to have Ben strangle him when JL mentions Eloise Hawking. (What is Ben’s fetish with Hawking? Are they secret lovers and he’s jealous of other men?) Ben rigs the scene to look like a suicide, cleans up, and leaves.

The episode concludes (at 10:04, totally f-ing everybody’s Tivo) with JL finding an unconscious Ben among the injured Coachies. What is going to happen to all the Coachies? Will Ben recover? Why wasn’t Locke paralyzed again when he went back to the real world? What time are they in? Where did Lapidus take off to? How come the Others haven’t found the Coachies yet? Where are Sayid and Sun? Whose side is Locke on, Widmore or Ben? Most important, now that everyone is back, what happens next???